
Children’s misbehaviour is perhaps one of a parent’s biggest concerns particularly when their child is unwilling or unable to listen and behave within their parents expectations. Often, a child with behavioural difficulties cannot follow simple direct instructions, argues, and refuses to listen or simply escalates their behaviour into a temper tantrum – whether they are 2 or 12 years of age.
This reactive behaviour is anger and it may be obvious what has brought about the anger or it may appear to have arisen out of nowhere. This is often how anger manifests itself. A child’s anger is not always rooted in an obvious cause. The causes are many but perhaps the one behaviour most people recognize is when a child wants his own way and does not want to accept their parent’s structure and limit setting. This anger is situational, understood and explained quickly. However, to have the behaviour managed and then self-management not become a reoccurring event is much more complicated and difficult to find success with.
Temperament & Personality
Many other issues can contribute to a child’s anger. When a child is born he or she has her own temperament and individual personality. As a child grows their personality and temperament will influence their interpersonal relationships as well as the choices they make. It can also affect how they manage and regulate their emotions.
Familial Issues
If a child is living within a family that has had or is experiencing family conflict this can lead to feelings of anxiety, sadness or anger. Parents that are themselves experiencing high stress, anxiety, financial difficulties or divorce may find that their children assume many of the same stressors. Children who have become exposed to high levels of stress in a family ARE aware that their family is experiencing problems, despite what many parents believe. In such situations, children can become highly emotional and often react in anger to fear and uncertainty.
Their Own World
Once children begin to explore their world and enter other environments outside of their homes they experience different and exciting learning situations. As children grow and learn they may find themselves struggling to comprehend and learn what they are being taught. They may fear that expectations are greater than they can manage especially if they set goals and experience failure. Even with parental support and adult encouragement children may find that they are becoming frustrated and feeling increasingly angry. Misbehaviour, poor boundary setting and limited self-regulation may escalate with some children. Some may understand why they are behaving the way they are while others just react angrily to limits and expectations.
Behaviour and Strategies for Children:
3 -5 Year Old Tots:
Children in this age range commonly express their desires through asking and often expect that they will have instant gratification. Difficulties could arise when a parent is not prepared to allow the child their immediate wants. A younger tot might express his/her anger by screaming their displeasure resulting in a temper outburst. Another common reaction might be to turn their anger at their caregiver and begin to hit, kick or bite the adult who is refusing to fulfill their demands. Unfortunately these behaviours are often displayed by children when they are out in the community with their parents at shopping malls, parks or restaurants. As a behaviour consultant I can immediately suggest to all parents that setting up expectations as to what is going to occur while out, may lead to less fuss and anger once out and about in the community. Children feel safe and confident when they are aware of the purpose of the outing, so take time to inform your child where and what will be happening prior to leaving. At this time be sure to inform them whether they will be allowed a treat or toy while out. Once you have established the expectations and boundaries this should reduce outbursts. Most importantly you are teaching your child to self-regulate and manage their own feelings. You are teaching anger management.
6-9 Years Old Children:
When children are between 6 and 9 years of age they have already developed ways to successfully attain what they would like or desire. Through years of trial and error they have learned how to get toys, food and games when they want. Some have been able to learn to self-regulate and accept limits set by parents. Many struggle to be able to achieve this skill. Many children at this age simply refuse to comply, and begin to argue, especially if they have learned that ongoing pleading/demanding will wear down a parent’s resolve. They use their words, often whining to try and impress their parent of the importance of achieving whatever they desire.
Noncompliance can escalate to the point that the child may become aggressive striking out physically at siblings, peers or even their parents. If, or when this occurs, a parent must act immediately to establish that the behaviour will not be tolerated. If out in the community perhaps it is time for home. If sibling’s arguments are becoming physical they need to be separated permitting time for calm to return. Reasoning with a child who is not showing any ability to listen at that moment is not the time to reason. An immediate strategy for any parent is to decide on what behaviours they are prepared to accept, and then strategise and implement ways that might be effective to diminish the unacceptable behaviour exhibited by their child. I realize it is not always practical to return home from an outing but establishing consequences for unacceptable behaviour the first time the behaviour is exhibited will certainly aid in diminishing further unacceptable behaviours.
10-12 Year Old Tweens:
Children who have not learned to internalize limits often find it difficult to accept rules and expectations placed on them by peers, teachers or parents. Compromise can become even more challenging in latency aged children. School comes with its own set of rules and expectations that all children must conform to. Peer pressure, friendships and expectations all influence your child’s attitude, mood and behaviour. Children unable to self-regulate their emotions may often react to structure and expectation in an angry or aggressive manner. This may be expressed thru peer intimidation or bullying, refusal to listen and follow adult direction, lack of respect for authority within the home and the community. They are unable to manage their feelings which can result in increased anger. It is important that your child begin to manage choices and come to internalize the serious consequences for angry outbursts. A young tween must learn to self-regulate his/her needs as opposed to their wants. As a therapist a good starting point would be to dialogue and determine what is most important for your child, what is not acceptable as a parent and then create an effective strategy to accomplish meeting the child’s needs and the parent expectations.
Counselling and Play Therapy that focuses on Toddler & Child Behaviour
In the GTA, I have worked with children as a Child & Adolescent Counsellor for 30-years. During that time as I have taught children and parents to recognize that behaviour is not always as simple as what is presented. Anger and the management of a child’s anger can be complex. Developing a therapeutic behaviour strategy that is effective for your family will be determined by your child’s temperament, life experiences and the family dynamic they live within. It may also be dependent upon parent’s willingness to evaluate and perhaps adjust their parenting styles to some degree.
As a qualified Child & Youth Counsellor specializing in behaviour management, and implementing Play Therapy I have the opportunity at Toronto Psychological Services to provide essential individual, group and parenting strategies for clients aged 2-18 in west Toronto.
Psychological services are covered by your workplace benefits. Please contact Toronto Psychological Services to book an appointment with a Child & Adolescent Therapist. .
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