What stops me from going for counselling?

In my thirty years of private practice as a psychotherapist I have seen many clients who have experienced early resistance in seeking professional help. One of the reasons seems to be having to bring change your life. We all know very well that change is a normal part of life, and everybody is confronted with change at some stage in their life. However, change can be both very threatening and very frightening. Feeling afraid of change is not a sign of weakness.

In this article I would like to talk about some early resistances, fears and attitudes that get played out, and sometimes prevent individuals or couples from seeking help through counselling.

Adults often seek psychotherapeutic treatment or counselling when life presents them with situations or experiences that were unplanned, unwanted, and highly intrusive for example, relationship changes, dissatisfaction with how things are, life transitions, bereavement and family issues are some of the experiences that can be overwhelming and send a person into a place of despair and have knock-on impact on every aspect of your daily life.

Through individual psychotherapy or couple counselling a person can begin exploring how to experience satisfying and fulfilling relationships. This process is facilitated best in an attentive, empathic, caring, and non-judgmental, environment. With a solid connection in place the opportunity for change is present and new possibilities begin to surface and ones journey moves forward.

Therapy is a commitment to improve your emotional health and hopefully give quality to your life. No matter what kind of counselling you choose to receive, only you can make the changes you want in your life. Counselling is a way to help you create the life you want by making a courageous decision. If you see yourself in the following attitudes I would encourage you to take a closer look at where these are coming from.

There are a lot of people who would gain from seeing a therapist who have difficulty perceiving the benefit.

5 Attitudes that may stop you from getting the help you need:

1. FEAR OF DEPENDENCY:

There seems to be a lot of fear associated with dependency and therapy, and the possibility of becoming dependent on a therapist. Especially for those of us who have experienced trauma, for them sometimes the feelings of dependency can be very scary, and bring up fears that the others will hurt you. On the contrary if you have difficulty taking responsibility for your life which is a common experience in clinical practice, you may look to a therapist to tell you what to do. A therapist will work with you to address your fears and make your own decisions. You will find the counselling experience to take place in very safe psychological space, which is conducive to self exploration and working through concerns or fears of dependency not only with the therapist but also with other authority figures in your life.

2. ACCEPTING THAT I NEED HELP:

Sometimes I find my clients having difficulty accepting that they have issues or concerns that need to be addressed. Sometimes, we don’t want to accept or admit that we have a problem in the hope that it will go away by itself or that if we don’t admit that it exists, we won’t have to deal with it and the feelings and needs that go along with it. In most situations time is not a healer, therefore, to operate on the assumption that problems would get resolved on their own is a myth, there is no truth to that assumption. These beliefs are really attempts to avoid the discomfort many of us fear will surface if we admit that we have a problem. We use avoidance and denial hoping to hold off the inevitable. Often we wait until the difficulty is producing such intense anxiety, depression, or marital discord that we can no longer deny it.

3. STIGMA OF COUNSELLING:

I find some of my clients grappling with the issue of stigma that is associated with being in therapy. What is associated with this attitude is the myth that only people with serious problems go for psychotherapy. So if you go for counseling that obviously means you are inadequate, weak, or crazy. At your core you may fear that you are crazy, and you will lose control, but as long as you can project it out onto others you are safe. We all encounter times in our life that cause us pain. We all struggle with not knowing what to do; as a result sometimes we develop unhealthy and neurotic ways of coping. We all have to come to terms with our self. No one is immune from these experiences, and depending on a number of circumstances and resources available to you at the time, seeking professional help is just plain smart.

4. THERAPY IS TOO HARD:

Sometimes our wanting instant results and relief from pain, such an attitude can reflect how we are influenced by a world that does not tolerate discomfort. When I hear this expressed to me, I often get a sense that the person may be giving up a little too easily, and that it can be a way of expressing their fear about counseling. I tend to call it flirting with the idea of being in therapy. I can now safely say on the basis of decades of clinical experience that for meaningful reconstructive therapeutic work to take place one has to go beyond the superficial, phony and flirtatious layers of expression.

Sometimes you may leave the process of therapeutic work prematurely, as a way of saving yourself from having to deal with some real issues in your life, in other words not fully confronting yourself or facing issues squarely. Making a mediocre effort can be a way to set yourself up for failure.

5. PREVIOUS NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE:

If you have had an earlier experience with the therapist that was negative it can simply be a matter that it was not a good fit. It takes courage to get back on the horse, but you can use your experience to make a better choice for yourself. I strongly believe it is important to take some time to research and talk to different counselors and therapists, to get a feel for whom you are comfortable with.

Counselling is worthwhile…

These fears accentuate the need to feel safety, trust, and a good connection to the therapist you choose. After individuals and couples actually make an appointment and come in, they often say how relieved they are to finally express these struggles, and what a relief it is to get this out in the open. We all have a variety of these fears and longings and they are nothing to be ashamed of.

It takes courage to come in for therapy, and confront the emotional truths of our lives, but the benefit can be deeply healing to ourselves and our relationships to our spouse, children, and friends. I hope this article clarifies some of these issues, and is helpful in relieving the anxiety often experienced in choosing to go to a therapist.