Learning that you cannot control or change your partner

In my opinion, Will Rogers was right when he said, “each person is about as happy as they decide they want to be.”

Couples counselling or marriage counselling can teach the concept that you can only control yourself. Counselling, sometimes called Psychotherapy, can bring the realization that the critical words of other people can be deflected if you put the emphasis on what you can control or change in your responses to another’s words

Relationship Counselling aims to help you to let go of changing others and help focus on yourself and your own strengths. You will realize that how we talk to ourselves about others’ negative behaviours is the key to believing in ourselves.

Attempting to change or control others is sometimes a symptom of depression or anxiety. Through Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (learning about your thoughts and how to change them (also called cognitions) and their effect on your actions (or behaviours), individuals can move out of their depression or anxious feeling.

In marriage counselling or couple counselling, a partner often says, “If my partner/spouse would change, then we would have a better relationship.” And you know what? Often they are correct. If the other person could change something, things probably would be better. The problem is, one partner/spouse cannot change the other, and often the other partner won’t agree that change is needed. Possibly, the first partner has just as much to change.

The point is that personal relationships can be guided to be much more enriching when each person concentrates on what he or she can change to make the relationship better. You can only control your own behaviours and your reactions to the behaviour of others and couples counselling can prevent the waste of precious time and energy in a futile attempt to control the words and behaviours of another person.

But what if the other person really does need to change? Perhaps there is drug, alcohol or gambling abuse. The support of individual adult counselling or couples counselling can provide a safe environment for exploration of the future of the relationship.

Friends, co-workers, family…all relationships among adults (young and old) combine two people who can only control ONE person and that one person’s own motives, their own agenda and their own expectations.

Relationship Counselling Services

Where would an individual or couple look to find counselling to achieve the freedom to behave in a responsible, adult way? The Toronto Psychological Services has many competent therapists or counsellors who can support you through personal change. Let me tell you a little bit about my own background and approach to counselling.

I have more than 30 years of counselling experience in settings such as hospitals, universities and private practice. My educational background is diverse as I began as a secondary school teacher and librarian and then continued my studies while raising a family. My skills are based on a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology, a Certificate in Addiction Counselling, a Certificate in Group Psychotherapy, and many years of professional experience and continued learning.

How does Couples Counselling or Marriage Counselling help clients to change when change strategies for anger, controlling, or falling silent, have not been effective?

First, relationship counselling, with me, explores the way control and verbal criticism were used in the family of origin. Individual adults meet with me alone. After meeting with a couple once, I like to meet with each partner individually at least once to learn more about their family of origin, personal communication style and their previous relationships. Then, I meet with both partners again in order to introduce exercises in assertiveness to give each person the skills to express his or her feelings without making demands on other people. We then proceed to explore how to detach from the criticism and negativity of others. Remembering the basic concept; you are the only person you can change.

Typically, I meet with individual or couple clients on a weekly basis for at least 4-6 weeks. Depending upon the circumstances, individuals or couples may decide to meet with me fortnightly after that time. Short of longer-term therapy will depend upon the issues presented and how long the couple has struggled with the problem/s.

Whether I work with adult individuals or relationship therapy, I examine the role of the victim. A victim is someone who says, “someone has done something bad to me and I cannot change it”.

As a professional therapist, I can support a client to become a non-victim who has the ability and potential to change themselves and their relationships. Clients can become aware of when they have thoughts about victimization and learn to think of themselves as stronger and more capable of change.

Couples counselling moves in a positive direction when both partners acknowledge that each person is responsible for themselves and how happy and satisfied he or she is going to be with life.

At Toronto Psychological Services, I thoroughly enjoy the positive results achieved through my work with individuals and couples. I have the opportunity to provide professional counselling to adults in our community.

Mary Clark has retired but please Call 416-531-0727 to make an appointment with another Counsellor.